LdyxSm1lez's Xanga

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 18:24:54 GMT

Its been a long time but now I am back folks… I bet ya missed me didn’t ya.. hahah.. well newaise.. just to give you guys a quick update on my wonderful life..

Work: well.. I kinda got forced out of my job that I work with my boyfriend.. but then it pretty much worked out for the better because now I found a job that does exactly the same thing but they the only difference is that they pay me a lot more money than the old place does.. well.. I still work for ADT.. I sell alarm systems for residential commercial buildings.. so if anybody want to get hooked up on a free system… then just holla at me =]… well newaise.. because of this job.. my boyfriend and I are gonna get 3 Gz quickstatuz, then we are going to move out. . yayyyy

LOVE LIFE: well.. my boyfriend and I are doing just spiffy. Yesterday I was exhausted at work and my bby called me, and I told him I really want some shrimp spaghetti. So the love of life went to the store and bought all the ingredients and made me shrimp spaghetti from scratch.. awww.. wut a sweety huh =] … I love him with every fiber in my body. Im so glad that I found him. Hes the sunshine in the my world. Without him my life would be dim… I love him so much!! Well on 4^th of july we took a 3 day trip down to Bakersfield to celebrate it with his dad side of the family… it was so wonderful. Every body in his family treats me real good and they call me a “LUFF” now.. (the family’s name) … well… we are planning on moving out together and live in a 1 room apartment by ourselves.. I cant wait.. I know that its just gonna be wonderful..

LIFE IN GENERAL: well.. im going back to court tomorrow.. my stupid case has been stretched on to a trial.. and tomorrow is my TRIAL.. im real nervous.. I hope nothing bad will go wrong.. im getting trialed for a FELONY AGGRAVATED ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON.. that fuckn sucks ass man.. this is fuckin bullshit!!!! grrrr

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 23:29:41 GMT

dont have a comp no more so dont really go on diz shit no more either...

welll for all u fuccahz dat must noe.. i got into a car accident becuz stupid fuckn burrito eatter duznt noe how to fuckn drive.. well newaise.. im fine tnx for caring.. hahah.. yeh.. now im in debt but found myself a bombass job dat pays well so oh so spiffy i say...

newaise .. jon en i broke up.. im happier now.. good shit.. dass preddy much dea is dass new i guess.. k...umm.. yeh.. i think im interested in some1 but im not shure.. haha.. yeh..

also .. i must add dat my hope, love, and prayers go out to my dear best fren tony.. i will do wudever it takes to appeal diz case of his.. i kant not believe da sentencing.. FUCK AMERICA EN ITS JUDICIAL SYSTEM! i never cried so much.. 143 tony

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 02:14:50 GMT

Hrmmz… im bacc once agen fellowz…. Life has jezz been.. oh say spiffy?… iunno.. da bf en I have been undergoing some major drama… but im glad to say dat we have surpass it all en are once agen together =].. im so thankful for him coming into my life… he makes me such a happy person.. sometimes.. I dunno… I feel like im fine without him.. then wen dat moment comes I miss him dearly… for now…all I can say is im happy hes with me and not dat nancy retarded hoe or dat stupid Linda bitch. BOTH of them! I guess kharma can be a bitch.. but oh wellz.. im dealing wid it and moving on. I don’t want to follow the footsteps of some people and be immature about the situation.. all dat matters in da end is dat he comes home to me =]..

Man.. within our 2 weeks and 3 days of going out.. there was just way too much drama for me to withhold… just couldn’t do it no more.. being with him made me feel so foolish and gullible like he alwaise says.. but then being without him I feel so lonely.. I miss dat missed calls from him..and I espeshally miss having that person that I noe for shure wuld call me late at nite and I would drop wutever im doing and talk to him… its such a great feeling to have some1 to miss and noe that theres a wall that u can fall bacc on wenever nething goes wrong. Hes my stability and I love it. I mean.. I have homies.. but theres onliee so much a homie can make u feel.. girls I noe u noe wut im saying… so yeh. My life as of rite now is just perfect. Frenz, cars, family, and JON.. wut more do I need. =D

MONDAY: schoolin succs major ass.. I hate it here so much! Its way too fobby for me hea!! I just want to like pull my hair out and like leave!!! Arrgghhh!! I miss my pacificans so bad.. I want to go bacc to my white asss boring skoo call phs soo bad.. I miss everything about it. Even the classes and teachers! Can u believe that! Its my senior year and I totally hate it here!!! Blagh!! But I did da crime and now im paying da time I guess dass wut u wuld call it… newaise.. came home.. napped.. den tommy and vu called me to go drinking..and me being the alcoholic that I am… how can I ever refuse rite.. newaise.. I had fun.. en oh my god!! I met like the HOTTEST BLACC HOOKER ever!! She was nice and gorgeous.. poor thing had to be a hooker tho.. how sad..

WEDNESDAY: Jon and I broke up… =[

SATURDAY: snuck my sister’s car keys.. pik’d up amy … major misunderstandins…yeh.. drove on da freeway and almost died like 5288695 times taking to see her boy in Tustin.. den went to placentia to pic up klum Z… dropped off amy…. Den came bacc to my house.. got all purdified.. got picked up by jon and his 2 frenz … pikd up nina den dropped by curly’s + anthony’s kicc bacc… it wuz great seeing them agen yes. Umm.. drama… den headed off to the block … jon and I made up and now we back together. YAYYYUHZ!! Heh..saw resident evil 2.. it wuz alite.. I like da first one better tho.. but yeh.. den my bby took me home… I am one happy woman I tell ya…

Im bout to go play wid my lil white cousins before going home.. =].. smell ya poopers later. =] oh en by da way.. I am now a legit driver.. hahah.. got my car, insurance, and erraythang! Hehehe.. im soo happy… now all I need is to improve my driving on da damn freeway!!! Grrr

Missing my muffin man …..830

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 01:17:00 GMT

Jon + Michelle

o8.3o.o4

Damn. Diz xanger-ish is getting soo boring.. I barely blog on this thing anymore. But nehoez.. things has been goin soo grrrreat dat I kant help myself. I jezz gotta share wid da world how happy I am!! Hehehe.. gorsh I love being happy!! Hopefully diz jolly joy im feeling will last for sooooo very long!! Haha

LAST WEEK: soo lyke.. I received lyke diz phone call from a person whom I thot I cared soo deeply about rite.. en yada yada.. we jezz conversated lyke normal.. den alla sudden he tells me dat bitch of a grl he got read my letters. Damn snoop. But nehoez. Den I guess she tripped on him or something… so he basically called me cuz he wants me to cover up for his ass so he don’t get assed out.. I mean.. I wuld do dat on my own newaise rite? Wy wuld I want to spit wat happened to some grl I don’t even lyke neawise rite. So gyeh. So I came home dat nite en wam bam. Da bitch Imed me. So blah blah. We started bitchn.. blah blah.. den he came over to my house .. den blahblah… I told him I don’t want to be his fren no more. So basically I ended our frenship. Wudevas. Shitz over wid. So gyeh.. dass lyke da onliee negative thing. And after diz booshiet. Things has been goin uphills!! =]

FRIDAY: so I got all purdified (haha) en waited for mz dimplez along wid Klum Z tuh come en pick me up. Headed off to some party. At firss shit wuz gayyy-o yo! Den iunno. Started drinkin wen da liquor arrived. Den mz playful along wid her sis kell came. Man oh man dyd a grl get fucked up. I wuz lyke woah drunk off da ass! Iunno .. manee shit happened dat nite. But it wuz mucho mucho fun! Haha.. da next day at work I wuz soooooo way tossed up!! I barghed lyke urraywher! Bed chair toilet.. hahah.. den came to work en I had to go home cuz I wuz throwin up still.. den my throat wuz hurting lyke a mother. So told my hb to bring me some won ton soup.. heheh..=]

SATURDAY: so mz playful came over and I bought out my hommayyy mr. 151. haha.. took lyke a few shots den jon en collin came to scoop us up. Met up wid Klum Z at da block. Went to see hero. Omg! Dat movie wuz Chinese en all captions !! I wuz way buzzed en I culdnt even read it. Dat movie basically I don’t understand NOTHING! Gayyyyyyy.. but I got to be wid him… dat day went by perfectly. Heheh.. came home en talked to him till 5 in da morning=]

MONDAY: so I wuz all expecting him to come.. but he culdnt make it.. pooo =[

TUESDAY TODAY: so I wuz on da phone wid him after he wuz done wid skool en told me hes cumin =].. yayyyuh! So yeh. Waited en waited en finally he came! We chilled inside my office for bout 2o mins. Den went to eat at some ghetto place. But s’all good. Went to PHUOC LOC THO so I can get more ear piercings but da lady wuznt dea.. pooooo!! So went bacc to da office en he stayed wid me for bout another 3o mins. =] … so lyke okay.. wen he had to go I walked him to his car.. en he wuz standing dea holdin my hand.. den he asked me den yeh. Now we’re together! Hehehe. I am soo happy! He makes me soo happy!! I go to sleep wid a smile cuz of him en I wake up wid diz big ass cheesy smile cuz of him.. heheh.. im such a happy bitch! Hes lyke.. da reason to my happiness!! =]

Monday, July 19, 2004

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 09:31:39 GMT

Goodbye to the pain .. .. .07.19.04

First off.. lemme jezz apologize for my previos blogs. I have never used so many FUCK words in my life in a mere couple minutes. Haha.. well.. to let chu folks noe, im not as bitter anymore.. I guess I’ve jezz had more time to think and realize things.. I dunno.. da more time u got on ur hands, da more time u get to UNDERSTAND the importance of certain things goin on in ur life.. well.. lemme jezz go on preaching …

MY SINGLE LOVE LIFE: well.. like I seyed, I’ve been having many long minutes to sit dea by myself and think.. I’ve realized many things.. actually.. it didn’t really hit me until my homeboy told me diz.. he says “ smilez, you always end up in the same feeling, just wid different partners. How many guys have u dated, and how many times have u end up in heartbreak? Don’t you realize it?!” so I asked him den whats da problem. He says its cuz I fall too quick too fast.. I agree.. I jezz think dat wen it comes to relationship, I jezz straight up suck!! I kant control my feelings, emotions, nor my heart. I don’t think I am ready to set foot in this path. Man, once I fall, I just keep on falling. I don’t want to do dat anymore. En worse yet, I ALWAISE FALL FOR DA WRONG GUYS!! I don’t wanna do diz no more.. so I call it QUITZ now.. yes you heard it, straight out from me! I QUIT!! No more relationships, no more heartbreaks, and no more falling hard on my face. I just don’t think im READY.. im still young, might as well sit back, learn, and enjoy my journey life without the drama and pain of a nigga breaking my heart. I noe I’ve said diz many times before, its just da onliee difference now is that it’s not becuz of a guy.. yeah even tho a certain some1 made me realize it, im purely doing diz all for me. So I wont be sad no more.. boys are just soo much pain and trouble. I don’t have enough strength to face it all anymore.. im gon save da rest of my strength to get over my court case and school problems. Boys will onliee add on more burden to my already heavied shoulders. Damn.. after making dat decision.. I feel soo light.. its like a rock has jezz been lifted off my chest.. So.. goodbye for a real long time relationships. Goodbye. . . “seems to be da hardest words”. . .

ALL THE OTHER BULLSHITS: well.. I guess u can say dat having too much time on ur hands is a real good thing.. I jezz want to sit bacc at da beach in da sand wid no shoes on by myself and feel da cool air of da beach and listen to calming sounds of da waves crashing against da rocks. Doesn’t dat sound soo nice?.. I don’t noe.. recently all I’ve been doing is getting my ass drunk.. den throw up.. I had to go home from work after 3o mins couple days ago cuz of a hang over.. I don’t think diz iz da life I want to live.. becuz of my DRUNKENNESS recently I’ve been making many foolish mistakes foolish. Some I kant take bacc.. it also adds to my book of SINS dat I’ve been committing non-stop.. wut am I doing to my life?! .. I have no idea.. I think I’m goin thru dat phase wher im tryin to rebel den find myself AGAIN.. I dunno .. couple nites ago I went widd anderw to lie on a hill and stared at da starrs..i saw 3 shooting stars myself.. at firss I made a wish.. den gave up wen I remembered all dem other times I made a wish en it never came true.. reality is no movie. None of your fantasies ever come true.. life is just soo harsh sometimes.. well.. to ramble on, I’ve come to da realization of soo manee things recently.. im juss taking errything in my life soo easily nowadays.. tho it may not help none in the END.. but as for rite now, life is just happier dat way.. god, I beg of you, please let the drama subsides. . .

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 20:13:26 GMT

You wont believe da shit I’ve been through.. y’all niggaz wont believe da bullshit I’ve survived.. and im still surviving.. I lye down and ask god why am I the victim of so much pain???.. I get no answer.. its jezz life… and its fucked up ! I am soo bitter!! I FUCKIN HATE DIZ!!!! I FUCKIN HATE DIZ SHIT ASS LIFE OF MINE!!! Nothing ever fuckin goes rite!! Errything is juss fuckin wrong!! En I kant stand it wen a person looks at my life and think I got no shit goin on!! I do BITCHEZ I DO !! I am not dat great of a person en my life is fucked up da ass so stop fuckin assuming I live diz great life!! Ya’ll niggaz don’t even fuckin noe me!! Yu don’t noe HALF da fuckin bullshit I have to go thru!

SOMETHING RECENT : biggie,smelly,sonny, and huy came over .. we jezz chilled in front of my house drinking..well.. I wuz widd my homie barcadi en dey got some weed too.. but I ditent smoke none.. next thing I know I ended up throwing up in deir car.. ditent get home till 8 da next morning.. wtf?! Dass how drunk I wuz.. gheyy shietnass..

Things happened.. now im soo blahh..i feel lyke shit!! I did and said some stupid shit.. I wish it all ditent happened.. but it did.. lfjlfjdlasjfadfja; wtf is wrong widd me man! Im jezz sooo mad… en .. I miss a certain someone..don’t noe why I do..but I do.. fuck! I FUCKIN MISS HIM.. I don’t noe why things … f uck it.. I HATE GUYS!! WHY MUST WE BE THE ONES DAT HAVE TO PUT UP WIDD ALL DA HEARTBREAKIN SHIT!! IW ANT TO BE LYKE DEM PIMPETTES AND USE A NIGGA FOR WUT HES WORtH DEN BOUNCE! THROW HIM OUT!! I DON’T NOE WHY I KANT DO DAT!! AHHH!! Fucccc!!!

Went to court for my bestfren’s last court trial.. turns out dey gon reschedule.. at dat time deir for NOTHING! BULLSHIT! Wtf is wrong wid deze fuckin peepo man! I fuckin hate dem!! Jezz fuckin let tony go!! I miss him too much!! Jadlfjal;dfja I want deze peepo to fuckin die!!

Imma go get ready en see if I can visit tony today.. I MISS HIM..

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 23:28:13 GMT

Man.. life has been so tough..i had destroyed a life soo great..now im paying for da consequences.. –sighs-.. man.. u ever had it so good.. den bam.. becuz of one stupid ass mistake ?! itz da worst shit in da world..cuz u got no one to blame but urself.. I FUCKED IT UP.. I MESSED IT UP.. NOW IM DEALING WID DA CONSEQUENCES!! I hate it.. I fuckin regret wut I dyd so bad.. nobody noes da shit dass goin thru in my mind.. dey all tell me not to trip en take it easy.. itz NOT DAT EASY!! Im da one dat has to deal wid deze torturing nightmare evry nite!! Im da one hoo has to deal wid deze mind bobbling shit dat wont let me free.. man.. life is just sucking rite now.. errything is goin downhill for me at da moment.. I noe dat im not gon feel any better until court is over en I noe wut dey gon sentence me to.. all I can sey is it’s a mistake dat I wish I can take bacc.. sometimes it jezz seems too unreal to me.. I stillt think dat time will turn bacc en I wont do wut I did… but no… I dunno.. I dunno wut else to say.. errything is jezz bad at da moment.. I don’t want to deal wid diz nemore.. im a weak mind and I don’t noe how to get stronger.. somebody help me…nobody noes wut I have survived.. nobody noes da bullshit goin on inside.. man.. if u onliee knew..

Umm… on a brighter note.. me en a fren of mine are sorta frenz agen?.. I dunno.. lyke.. hes dat kind of fren dat nobody wut kind of fucked up bullshit or lies he puts upon me.. I can never stay mad.. I find myself forgiving him all da time regardless.. I guess… iunno.. hes one of doze person dat will forever stay widd me in memory.. sometimes I really miss him.. but for da most part.. I’ve gotten over him.. but he still .. grr.. iunno newaise.. im over diz.. im jezz glad we talking agen.. I knew dat one of deze days we wuld get over da barrier ..

So rite now im onliee hoping for da best .. my frenz are praying too I hope.. I am so grateful for all da homies dass been tryin to help me thru diz.. seriously yu don’t noe how badly I regret diz.. thank you so much for errything.. I kant have done diz widdout y’allz.. tnx for da words..advices.. bloggings.. EVERYTHING.. I really appreciate it.. tnx dimplez for comin to my house dat nite.. I prolly wulda ended up dead en drunk.. drunkenly dead if not for yu..hahah.. tnx for erryone for errything once agen.. its in time of needs lyke diz I need u guiz more dan ever.. en even tho u are disappointed..ur’e still hea for me.. tn im really thankful for dat.. tnx erryone I LOVE YOU GUIZ.. sm1lez

Monday, June 14, 2004

Mon, 14 Jun 2004 02:13:24 GMT

wow..it has been a real long time since I blogged on diz shiet.. iunno.. life hasn’t been so dramafilled no more en I love it! Life has been great!! Life is just sooo beautiful and im jezz sooo happy and I love it!!! Hahah.. god.. I love diz contentment!! It feels soo great!! Im loving erry minute of diz!!! Hell gyeh!!! I wish life wuz jezz diz great all da god damn time.. well newaise.. to update y’all readers on my love life.. itz been marvelous! Im SINGLE and it feels great! No drama, no problem, no bitching, no worrying, no tears, and nothing! Itz jezz great.. now I can go bacc to pimpstatuz mode en “drop a nigga lyke dropping dimes” hahaha..

LAST WEEK: to some erverything up.. it wuz fun.. amy came over en I wuz spose to sneak da car out..buh nooo..i got caught.. so mah ex came to giv me a bottle of 151.. den gyeh we drank… went to get mah belly pierced agen en forced amy to get her tongue pierced.. haha.. now we twins!! =] went to see day after tomrw..it sucked ballz!! Do not see it.. met up widd 2 of da hgs.. kaylie came to scoop us up…. Went to eat pho wher I lost 60 dollars worth of tongue ring..now I onliee got one en im sad.. =[ gyeh.. got nails dyd en barnes n nobles.. cool beans

FRIDAY start shit at skoo widd some stupid fobby nerdy bitch.. hg backed down.. wudevas.. went widd Justin to get bobas.. den got home.. went to kathy’s house.. chilled..got ready.. my ex picked us up to drop us off at da block.. walked around.. had mad drama..got picked up by nippy… drove around practically doing nothing..ended up at some guy’s house.. den went home pass my curfew.. grr

SATURDAY: wuz soo much fun!! It wuz laughs da whole way!!! Haha..im jezz too hilarious dass why man.. haha.. kathy came over en knocked out.. amy came over en started yelllling.. den I got ready.. my dad dropped us off at Chinese food place.. ate.. met up widd nataly.. walked our fatasses home.. dyed’ nat’s hair.. bust out da 151 agen.. got buzzed..went to da liquor store to cause some funny scenes.. haha.. den slikz came to see my bby amy.. haha.. den got picked up by curtis en his hb.. went to some house.. den split so 2 of da gerls went home..went to some pool hall.. den home.. den got picked up .. den went to some kicc bacc.. it wuz a bust.. den came home.. ate.. gyepz..

SUNDAY: talked on da phone widd kathy.. got bored off da ass.. den on da phone widd darrel and Kathy.. den curtis called en asked to kicc it.. so of course we agreed. So got all bummy en went to picc up Kathy.. went to in n out en eat.. damn da stupid cashier wuz soo dumb I wanted to smack her!! But newaise.. chilled ..ate.. talked.. den went home.. some drama but nothing to sweat.. now I am hea wasting my life away becuz I REFUSE to do my hw.. hahah .. hea some flix from yesterday.. u folks enjoy.. ta ta LIFE IS GREAT!!!

en doze are pics of my beautiful pet chiccs.. but hes widd me no longer =[.. sadness

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Sun, 30 May 2004 20:17:26 GMT

***********LAST FRIDAY NITE:******************

Why hellow agen my fellow ventees =].. as yu can tell.. im happy once agen.. woo hoo! =D I jez LA LA LOO0VE diz feeling of contentment man..it feels soo good. I shure hope it lasts forever.. or at least as long as possible.. yeh I guess at times I still think of him sometimes..but for da most part.. im over it.. gyepz.. im happy agen.. I love da recovering process of it all.. it feels soo darn good to get up bacc on ur feet once agen.. I am a strong person after all.. I guess during da times of vulnerablilty.. we fail to realize actually how strong we really are inside.. until da bitter end.. wen we stand up tall..we can jezz look down on our past and brush it off.. =]

Dat^^ was written Friday nite..i never got a chance to post it.. well.. jezz wen things were getting good for me agen.. he had to come bacc into my life.. I wuz on my recovering road.. I wuz getting over da situation.. den all of a sudden.. he shows his presence on my recovering road.. why.. I wuz doing soo good.. now.. im sorta… feeling all down agen.. =[

THURSDAY: skool`n sucked major ballz.. I wuz soo out of it at skoo.. oh wellz.. den work wuz major nutt suckin shuxx! Hahah.. well gyeh.. work sucked too… den later I got a call from james telling me he’s gon drop by to seee me .. so work wuz off.. en he still wasn’t dea.. so I had to wait lyke15 mins.. but finally he showed up.. it wuz nice seeing him.. I had dat giddy butterfly-ery feeling I’ve been missing for so long =]

FRIDAY: diz day wuz a .. jezz gheyy… skool`n sucked nuttz.. den I wuz home talking to dimplez tryin tah decide wha we gon do .. so we decided on pool shooting.. even doh I succ big time =D .. so got all ready.. waited major time cuz gyeh.. so I wuz tired of waiting, so I told george to come en picc me up.. den went to scoop up playful.. den went ova to dimplez` pad en she culdnt even go .. so dat wuz gheyy.. bounced to ding dong dang.. some stupid karaoke place.. met some of his homies.. den bumped into my fren jenny.. kicked it widd dem en deaz diz stupid bitch ass birthday girl.. homie’s dumb.. but wudevas.. drank some hypnotic.. my how I hate coolers.. den we got major bored so walked ova to da other end of da parking lot to shoot pool at billiards.. I sucked.. my team lost da whole time.. so I jezz gave up en went to play PUZZLE BUBBLESS!! Yaayyuuuh!!! I la la loooovvveeeee dat game man.. heheh.. so newaise.. den james called en I told him to drop by since I wunna see his cute ass =D

I think homie got lost.. but gyeh… finally he got dea.. conversated a little.. argued a lot.. –shruggs-.. I guess dass jezz how we are.. =/ .. den he gave me a hug en went home.. den I believe we got into an argument on da phone also over some stupid shit..

SATURDAY: I got da car keys so I took out da car!! Woo hooo.. haven’t been driving in soo manee months.. feels good to drive agen =] .. so me en mZ klum Z wuz jezz crusing da street yu no yu noe lyke gangstah gangstahz we are.. hahah.. went to wal mart wher I parked hella far from da store cuz I succ at reversing.. hahah.. got my hair dye.. bounced to picc up playful wher I ended up taking her hG Courtney home also.. den drove around… sorta.. wuz spose to go get mah piercings done..buh I ditent.. shuxx poo pooo.. so got home.. got yelled at.. but I ditent care.. haha.. I still drove.. it felt soo good.. klum Z dyed mah hair.. now itz dark once agen.. now all i gotta do is save up for my hair extensions yu noe =] .. umm.. den david en dimplez came to scoop us up.. left to a bbq.. good ribs =].. mm hmm.. got a lil tipsy.. argued on da phone widd james agen.. oh man.. so I wuz kinna pissed off so went bacc in to drink some more.. yu noe how we do =] haha.. den came home.. phone conversated widd dimplez.. =]

So TYNEE David called me en hez dropping by my crib widd my jacket.. I wuz half asleep already so I kinna looked all fucked up ya noe.. haha.. den came outside in pajamies ghetto style.. –sighs-.. I dunno.. I saw him agen.. itz been soo long.. all doze days wher I cried cuz I missed him soo much.. how badly I wanted to see him just once agen.. doze nites wher I pray to god to just bring him bacc to me.. finally.. I saw him agen.. I dunno.. I jezz stood dea half buzzed and stared at him.. it wuz such a hard situation… yu noe dat feeling where you want to do and say so much.. but you just CANT.. instead yu jez stand dea en say nothing.. he wuz talking to me tryin to make as if everything wuz da same.. I jezz stood dea en stared at him.. I ditent noe wut to sey.. I wanted so badly to jezz grab him into my arms and never let him go.. but culdnt.. things wuld jezz be so hard..i don’t want to hurt agen.. it wuld be too hard on me.. so I got into his car cuz he needed to drive to my ally.. I dunno.. don’t really possess da ability to express diz.. it wuz just… hard.. it really sucked.. so he told me his grl en him broke up.. en I thot to myself.. I kant.. I dunno.. I don’t noe how to explain myself.. but I ..it wuz really hard.. I missed him soo much.. missed our times soo much.. but I fail da strength to make new memories widd him.. –sighs- … so i finally gave him da GOODBYE LETTER dat i pour my heart into.. i guess i finally got da closure i've been needing so bad.. -sighs-.. en it duznt feel dat great.. =/ god I hate diz feeling!! My CONTENTMENT is GONE!!

SUNDAY: don’t noe wut to do tday.. prolly goin to another bbq den STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL.. den home EARLY so I wont get in trobo.. so lemme think wutz new.. my mommy cried over me AGAIN.. now shez MAD at me AGAIN!! .. poop.. david probably I dunno.. tough one.. a hb is mad at me cuz I cancelled on him for his own prom.. james prolly prolly is mad at me too.. but den im MAD too.. so dat cancels out.. oh life is jezz gheyy!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++EDITED++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ten People I Enjoy The Company Of:
1. James… even tho we are on bad terms rite now
2. Tynee David.. even tho I gave him da GOODBYE LETTER.. I need him rite now
3. Dimplez Kathy.. she at times rights my wrongs
4. Playful Kathy.. homies foe life.. my onliee koreon fren.. haha
5. Klum Z Nataly.. my roll-dawg for life. hahah
6. Trippy Phil.. she treats me out to DIM SUM!1 YUMMMM =]
7. BigDaddy My Pimp Tony.. my BEST fren.. I love him dearly.. homies needs to get set free now
8. Naughty Khrysty AND Kandee Mindy.. sistahz for life

9. Layzee Amy.. my dropp`n buddy. gon be my drunk buddy tmrw =] she givs me good honest advices =]
10. ME MYSELF AND I.. I listen to nobody but myself

Nine Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Get Married
2. Have 3 kids.. boy girl boy
3. get my got damn license

4. grow out my hair to my waist

5. graduate from hi skoo and a UNIVERSITY

6. FIND Mr. Right.. I’ve been searching for too long.. im soo tired.. .

7. FIND myself. I’ve been LOST for too long

8. become a famous poet

9. succeed in all aspects of life. Failure and imperfections depresses mee

Eight Things I'm Wearing:
1. spongebob pajamie bottoms
2. yellow wife beater
3. bra
4. black lacy booty shorts
5. 10 earrings

6. tongue ring
7. fake nails
8. a happy mask upon my sadness

Seven Things On My Mind:
1. summer vacation
2. stupid fuckin ALGEBRA 2!!! ARGGHHHH
3. JAMES.. I miss him already =[
4. TYNEE DAVID.. something dat wuz soo great had to go soo wrong =`[
5. why my mommy hates me so
6. savind up for my hair extensions
7. how to get him back

Six Items I Touch Every Day:
1. Computer
2. Cellphone
3. diet pills
4. pantene pro V… I am trying to grow my boy hair out ya noe
5. paper stars dat I fold
6. MY STUFFED ANIMALS

Five Things I Do Everyday:
1. Sleep
2. Phone
3. Internet
4. Shower
5. missing da grasp of REALITY

Four Songs On My Mind:
1. Cassidy – dont get no better

2. amada perez – I pray

3. tatyana ali – everytime

4 usher- sepereated

Three Things I Think Of When I Wake Up:
1. whether to go about my day wid a frown or a smile
2. work and skoo.. I need to make dat dough
3. I need a man hoo kares, understands, respects, and treats me good regardless

Two Of My Favorite Food:
1. VIETNAMESE FOOD
2. ITALIAN FOOD.. chicken and shrimp fetuccinie alfredo.. mmmmm

One Person I Love More Than Any Other:
in the end.. evryone’s in it for demselves. Everyones SELFISH..

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:

01 my nightmares

02 low gpa and not making it in life
03 being LONELY.. I constantly need somebody dea to LOVE and CARE for me

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:

01 ME ME ME ME!! YES I LAUGHT AT MY OWN GHEY JOKES AND WUT. HAHA

02 TRIPPY AND TONY

03 NEBODY can crack me up..

THREE THINGS I LOVE:

01 my cell phone

02 MOMMYO

03 homies and if I have a boyfriend den I guess his stupid ass tooo.. haha.. =]

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:

01 cellie

02 PICTURES FRAME ERRYWHER

03 my J-Lo perfume. “glow”

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

01 have my own loving family.loving and caring husband and loving and respectful kids

02 buy my parents a nice cozy home =]

03 become a FAMOUS POET =]

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:

01 stubborn, hard headed, opinionated, wont give up till I win

02 its hard to understand me unless yu look behind da picture

03 definitely funny and TRYS MY HARDEST IF I WANT SOMETHING DAT BAD.. I will try to succeed.. dat way if I lose.. I can look back and say I at least tried to make something out of it =]

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:

01 nawww niggga

02 stfu bitch.. in a frenly funny way =]

03 so nehooters =]

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOOD:

01 chicken and shrimp fetuccini alfredo

02 chow mein and orange chicken

03 double double from IN-N-OUT

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:

01 la agua

02 diet pepsi twist

03 151 hommayyy

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:

01 barney

02 beetle juice

03 da muppets babies.. something of dat sort… haha

THREE SMELLS YOU RECOMMEND:

01 aqua de gio

02 too sexy.. Victoria secrets for men

03 my natural scent.. haha

THREE NAMES FOR MY CHILDREN COULD BE:

01 destiny

02 michelle

03 will

THREE CANDIES YOU CRAVE:

01 caramellow

02 picositos.. –mexican kandy

03 sour gummy worms

THREE MOVIES YOU WOULD SUGGEST:

01 never been kissed, and 5o first dates

02 the butterfly effect

03 windtalkers

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Sun, 23 May 2004 02:33:14 GMT

I am sitting here on a SATURDAY sick as fuck..i’ve never felt worse.. well maybe I have.. but diz iz preddy bad itself so gyehz…. I’ve been sleeping da whole day.. I’ll be sleeping widd a jacket en full blanket ova mahself.. den I’ll be pourin widd sweat.. den I take it off.. den I’d be cold.. I dunno.. same thing lass nite.. I had to wake up lyke 5 times in da middle of da nite.. my nose is ghey and my throat is ghey.. I keep on coughing and everything else.. I knew I shuldnt have went out yesterday.. god how I want to kill myself.. man diz really succs.. I hate being sick.. en I hate diz!! Irz been 2 weeks and im still not OVER him!! Ergh! Im so angry at myself !! en I seyed it onliee takes me a week.. fucc`n shit!!

THURSDAY:

didn’t go to work.. I called in to be late and dey told me deaz no electricity at da time so .. my mommy took me food shopping widd her.. den she gave me some money to buy food from VANS BAKERY cuz I love dat shit! Mm mmm good.. den took me to get my hair chopped off.. en yes I am still very sad.. mah hair wuz soo long.. now itz soo B.. im EXTREMELY SAD..=[ but now im planning to get hair extensions so I can get mah long hair bacc so ghey.. we’ll see.. but dat means I gotta save up.. donno if I can do dat man.. so gyeh.. den went to WAL-MART to buy GIRL`S necessities =].. chyes! I got mah hair shampoo !! haha.. yes lil things makes me happy =] so overall it wuz a grrrreat day widd my mommy ! we talked about my car.. she seyed I have to take my sister’s car for a while den she’ll trade it in and get me a car of my choice! Woo hoo!! Im still sad bout da getting her car part.. but s’all good.. I’ll live.

FRIDAY:

my wonderful son came ova to picc me up.. he dropped me off at klumZ`s crib.. grubbed out.. listened to music.. den got all purdiefied for da BLOCK.. haha.. damn seems lyke im alwaise dea.. gheyness.. so nehooters.. SILLY of me to think I wuz gonna have a good time.. rite wen I got dea I started thinking of him.. EVERYTHING seems to remind me of him.. so we went to catch MEAN GIRLS.. good movie.. en got myself some jamba juice to drink.. so nehooters.. after da movie.. dass wen I started to get REAL sad.. I dunno why. But I started MISSING HIM LYKE KRAZYYYY !! errywher I turned, errywher I went he wuz on my mind lyke da whole time.. its silly cuz I shuld not even be thinking of him considering da way he treated me.. but I dunno.. culdnt help it.. I started reminiscing on all of our passed memories.. I jezz felt lyke I needed him to hold me tight.. I wanted him back in my life and make everything alright.. dat ditent happen.. we walked around widd me on brokenhearted status… it sucked.. den I saw dizz real cute guy dat I’ve been wanting to talk to for a while now.. but wen he came up to me.. I wuz juss blahh.. he asked if I wanted to roll widd him to a party en I rejected.. I dunno.. jezz seems lyke im shutting myself away from all opportunities.. all becuz of me missing him so much.. I sometimes wonder if he still thinks of me da same way I think of him.. =[

So den in da midst of da nite my celly rang..i thot it wuz him calling so my heart skipped a beat.. den I looked at it en it wuznt him.. my heart sank.. dat jezz dyd it for me.. I piked up da phone en started KRYING to my hg.. it wuz soo hard for me .. I’ve been keeping everything inside.. cuz he’s no longer there to talk to me en let me express my emotions en feelings.. =[ I MISS HIM..

SATURDAY:

So today im spose to be out en having fun rite.. considering itz a Saturday.. but nope.. I’ve been at home sleeping en thinking of him.. SICK you may also add to dat list.. everything’s jezz SUCKING SO BAD.. I think im goin thru a mental breakdown.. diz aint good.. no.. not good at all..

How Long Have You Gone ..

Without Showering? 3 days.. yes I am a dirty pig =]
Without Shaving? Im guess 3 days also.. eeekk
Without brushing your teeth? Never.. I’ll at least try brushing it widd mah fingers =]
Without brushing your hair? Iunno.. I do dat here en there since hair is sooper IMPORTANTE
Without cutting your nails? I got fake nails so I cut dem never =]
Without cutting your hair? Over a year .. mah hair never grows y’all
Without crying? weeks

Have You...

Done something you terribly regret? very… da day I let him walked out of my life
Walked out on the street without underwear? Once =D
Eaten something that has been expired? Of course. Food is food!!
Used somebody to get back at someone? Being evil me.. I probably have
Backstabbed a friend because they hurt you? Never.. I wuld jezz stop being frenz wid dat bitch den stab her in da front =] yu noe yu no gangstah mode
Tried to act happy even though you were broken inside? Lyke rite now en All da time sadly.. =[
Told a lie that made someone happy? Yes I can be nice too ya noe hoez? =]
Told the truth that made someone hurt? Yes I am blunt indeed

What would you do if...

You could change your name: I love mah name en da nickname he gave me from it =/
you could be anywhere for a week: I would be in da loving arm of da man im loving back.. but den agen.. wut he heck is love.. =[
You were kidnapped by two large black men: damn.. u mean lyke fabulous en chingy?? Man I’d get em drunk en RAPE em.. woot woot!
You could only live for a day:. Express all my hidden emotions.. make shure I have nothing I regret NOT doing
Your house was on fire: save erryone lyke superwoman =]
You went deaf: sometimes da truth hurts to much to be heard
You had a stalker: hide behind a tree den kicc him in da ballz wen he walks up. Dat’ll teach da psycho not to mess wid NOTORIOUS LADY SMILEZ!! hahah.

Would You Rather...

Live ten years less or have a stub for an arm: live ten years less.. itz too hard for me to deal widd IMPERFECTIONS..
Be a liposuctionist or a mechanic: lypo. I lyke to fix da ugliness in people
Die of drowning or dehydration: DEHYDRATION…drowning is such a suffocating feeling.. I’ve been suffocated enough..
Be ugly or FAT. Don’t dey both mean da same thing?!
Be dead of emotion or sad all the time: wen im so broken I wish I had no emotions so I wuldnt be hurting.. but den .. to be of no emotions.. wuld be dead.. I want to live en feel life

» Random.. «

|1| favorite song right now ? all da sad slow love jams
|2| favorite word ? time
|3| place want to be ? anywhere next to him
|4| are you open-minded ? not really..its my way or the highway =D
|5| rain or sun ? SUN!! need to tan my life away at da beach ya noe ya noe
|6| winter or summer ? summer.. I lyke to floss dem hoochie clothes =]
|7| love or hate ? LOVE is hate
|8| coke or pepsi ? DIET PEPSI
|9| one moment you'll never forget ? the day he walked into my life and the day he walked out of my life.
|10| future job? A successful doctor.. or a undercover detective.. whichever.. im still confused

..OPINIONS ON OPPOSITE SEX..

o1. best eye color – da one dat captures my heart..
o2. best hair color – anything natural
o3. short or long hair – SHORT or no hair
o4. best height – A LOT taller dan me pleze.. preferably around da 6’ =]
o5. best weight- ..OVER 140..?
o6. best article of clothing – no clothing. Hahah.. jezz kidding.. he needs to rock dat jerz or t wid dem fly pants matched wid hats and shoes. O0o.. ballahstatuz =]
o7. best first date location – movies, the Italian dinner, then yorba Linda .. –sighs-
o8. best first kiss location – his car
o9. describe your perfect other - ..? to describe him, black spikey hair, nice skin, great smile, has dat comforting orb I love to be around, smart, caring, affectionate, damn.. I miss him.. =[

» Which is better..with the opposite of sex «

X cute or sexy guys? I want both..
X Lips or eyes ? eyes the better to get lost in.. lips, the better to taste ;]
X short or tall ? tall.. but I fell for a shorty
X looks or personality? : PERSONALITY outweighs the look.. but he cant be hideous looking.. I mean.. I do gotta kiss the looks
X fat or skinny ? in between

Grooming

+ how often do you brush your teeth? Erry morning.. sometimes I brush it at night too.. haha
+ how often do you shower or bathe? Almost erryday.. I want mah hair to grow dammit!!
+ how long do these showers last? 3o-5o- mins
+ hair drying method: too lazy for da mechanics.. I let mother nature do itz work=]
+ do you swear? I try not to..
+ do you mumble to yourself? Most often.
+ do you spit in public? No.. but I noe some1 hoo duz erry 3 secs
+ person you talk most on the phone with? .. my hgs.. but den I onliee stay up on da phone till skoo time widd him.. but now hes gone. . .
+ what color is your bedroom? I would say white.. en I feel da colors of spring in hea also =]
+ do you use an alarm clock? I used to have a barking dog dat he made fun of.. but now itz my cellie since he cant be my alarm no more
+ name one thing and person you're obsessed with: money, cell, computer, him
+ window seat or aisle: window.. I like to stare out and get lost within nature
+ whats your sleeping position: side or back
+ what kind of bed do you like? MY BED.
+ in which weather do you use a blanket? All weather.. im skared of monsters and my nightmares.. so I need a sheet of protection
+ do you snore? HELLL NAAWWW.. dat shiet is hella ANNOYING!!
+ do you sleep walk? No thank god
+ talk in ur sleep. Highly doubt It
+ do you sleep with a stuffed animal? I got a bazooka
+ how abut the light on? Nope..
+ do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on? Radio or my sleeping jams cds

S C H 0 0 L

Are you still in school..YES. en I hate it.. I need to transfer
Did you drop out: hellz naw.. dass for no lives loser
Current gpa: does not meet my expectations
Favorite grade: 6^th grade and 9^th grade..i wuz president.. man I had it all
Least favorite grade: junior..which is rite now.. im so out of it.. I wish skoo never existed
Favorite teacher: miss johnnie.. she believes in my poetry abilities
Least favorite teacher: ..all da mean ones dat gave me detentions –fists-
Favorite subject: English.. I am a writer =]
Least favorite subject: MATH!!! GRRR burn da numbers!!
Do/did you buy lunch or bring it: usually don’t eat skoo food
Play any sports on the school team: too unathletic to
Do/did you do any extracurricular activities: used to be president..
Are/was you popular: I wuldnt say popular.. jezz known.. but now im of non existence
Favorite dance: prolly sadies widd my ex
Favorite memory: any moment dat connects me with him.
Favorite memory you want to have: I want to keep all memories with him
least favorite memory: dat one day.. wher I cried, he cried. We all cried.. I love dat memory cuz he seyed so much .. but I hate da reason why we had to have dat conversation.. also da day he walked outta mah life
most humiliating moment: life is full of mistakes